Agatha’s Wardrobe

Agatha’s Wardrobe was inspired by my inner debate on whether or not to become a mother.

Society puts a lot of pressure on women to have children, and then you have all those subtle (and not so subtle) messages in the media: It would seem you’re less of a woman if you don’t have a child!

But there’s more than the external pressure. Well adjusted, affectionate women, might confuse the desire to nurture with the desire to mother.

Several years ago a radiologist told me that, by comparing the x-rays he had just taken with some previous ones, he could see that my fallopian tubes were blocked, although not permanently: it was a kind of spasm of the tubes. This meant that a pregnancy would have been a difficult task, but not impossible.

“You know what?” he said. “The tubes are contracting for a reason, which could be more in your head than in your abdomen. Ask yourself if you really want to be a mother.”

Incredible. This man could x-ray my mind as well as my abdomen.

That night I was unable to sleep, trying to answer the questions that filled my mind. To have a baby: Why, to what end, for whom? And in fact, in that moment my brain invaded my uterus, and from down there it was giving all sort of answers. Overwhelmed, I decided to change my tactics. I placed my hands on my breast and I said: “Heart, it’s your turn! Speak!” My whole body was throbbing but I could feel nothing under my hands: it was as if my rib cage was empty. I listened and followed the source of the heartbeat. I should not have been surprised to discover that they came from… my belly.

After my illuminating experience with the radiologist, my gynecologist offered me different alternatives to have a child. Time pressured, Dalis’clocks were melting down in my womb: I had to make up my mind. I finally said yes to a treatment that didn’t work. I cried, but I don’t know if I did it for the child I wouldn’t get to know or for a weird sense of personal failure. My doctor told me other treatments were available, but I found them quite aggressive for my body and also, I was starting to feel comfortable with the idea of a childless life. According to her, I’m still in my childbearing years and my fallopian tubes are not permanently blocked, so life could still surprise me. No problem if it doesn’t: I’m happy with my life exactly as it is now.